Clues, Qs and Criminal Profilers
by BonesBird
Summary: After a game of antagonising Q, Erika Hernandez and others find themselves transported back to 2010, and then find themselves involved in unusual circumstances involving the FBI and a dead local.


**Alright, so. This is a very stupid, very cracky crossover. It fits in with canon for both series. Mid season 5 for Criminal Minds, and in 2156 (middle of my first Romulan War story) for Enterprise. I haven't watched, or written, Criminal Minds in about 3 years, but jekkah gave me this idea and my muse ran with it. The whole fic will be focused more on the ENT characters, for obvious reasons, but there will be a fair amount of the CM ones too. This won't be updated anywhere _near_ as regularly as my other fics. My SassCaptains readers need not fret, there will be plenty about Serena and the family continuing.**

**So anyway. This is dedicated to Jekkah. As always, thanks to by bestie/partner in crime PinkAngel17.  
>Shin xx<strong>

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><p>It had apparently been one insult too far for the omnipotent being they'd been antagonising on <em>Columbia<em> for the better part of an hour. He hadn't decided to leave yet which told her far more about how much Q actually enjoyed being wound up by her than almost anything else. Then he'd said it was time he taught them a lesson about where they came from and disappeared. Five minutes later he'd been back, said he had a proposition for them. After then hearing that they would be brought back to _Columbia_ before either of them died in exactly the same condition they left it in, Erika agreed, and so did Veronica a second later. That was what had led them to this moment. She and Veronica in a dimly lit sitting room, with only a letter from Q and no actual idea what in the name of hell they were meant to do. "Where the hell are we?" Veronica asked, looking around the house the same as Erika and frowning.

"I have no idea." She admitted, taking in the neatly arranged furniture and the lack of personal items. That told her that whatever this house was, it hadn't been being lived in before today. She hoped that Q's letter at least told them all the things the desperately needed to know.

"Well, that's just what I want to hear my CO say." Her friend commented a minute later, and Erika just span round on the spot, more than a little confused at that. It was hardly _just_ Erika's fault. They had both been trying to break Q, not just her. It wasn't fair she get all the blame for it.

"Look, we were both antagonising Q, again, is it really a surprise we're somewhere unusual?" At least she would admit they probably were to blame for all of this themselves. They had made a very bad choice playing chicken with a Q.

"Where do you think we are?" Veronica asked, reminding Erika exactly how dim-witted her XO could be from time to time. She loved her like a sister, but damn she could be slow. It was normally amusing, unless there was a number of actual things that Erika couldn't possibly know yet. Then it was just annoying.

She looked out the window and recognised a couple of familiar constellations. "We're on Earth, we're in a house. We're in New Jersey." That meant cold. There was nothing she hated more than the cold. Maybe it would be summer. That would be less cold. "This letter from Q says he's created records for us both."

"Criminal?" Veronica asked with a grin on her face. Of course, her XO would be the one getting excited about the prospect of a fictional criminal record. For some reason that amused her more than it should have done. This just all seemed completely ridiculous. From Q arranging everything for them so they would be legal in this century to Veronica asking if they had a criminal record.

"No, idiot." She snapped, then handed Veronica her copy of the letter. There were two more unaddressed and unopened letters than Erika was sure would be all but identical to these. "Why would he create criminal records for us if he wants us to keep a low profile and do something for him." She kept reading the letter, then rolled her eyes a little at the mention of people coming to join them. Somehow, she was imagining Juanita Gomez from high school, who had bullied her mercilessly for four years. That would make this even better, wouldn't it. "He also says we're going to be joined by 'a couple of friends' who he's also made records for. There's a list."

"I'm not an idiot." Veronica muttered stubbornly, then reached out and touched Erika's letter as if making sure that the paper and markings were exactly the same. Not that she would try and pull a fast one in a situation like this. She wouldn't really have any idea of how to pull it off anyway.

"Yeah, you are. A little bit." She argued back. Not saying that Veronica was always an idiot, just that she could be, from time to time. No more so than any other pilot Erika had ever known, but the fact that there was a pattern when it came to the pilots, she had noticed.

"There is nothing in this house other than, you know, furniture." Erika actually liked the fact that there was furniture. It was a good omen that Q had actually thought of things like comfort and clothing and similar while they were going to be here. At least, the jackets by the door made it look as though he'd thought about clothing.

"Furniture is probably a good thing." She commented, then remembered the last place that Q took her. This time, Erika had been alone in tormenting him, and it had ended in her riding a dragon. It had been a very odd situation to have been in. "At least nobody died in this one. The last place Q took me to there were prehistoric dragons." She didn't know if she'd told Veronica the story. At least she'd had fun. The dragons… probably hadn't had as much fun as she had.

"I remember, I read the mission report. You really need to stop antagonising Q." Veronica actually gave a good suggestion, but it wasn't one that Erika was going to take. While she probably _did_ need to stop antagonising Q, she also needed the enjoyment of doing it. There was a war on, and she had a remarkably small amount of entertainment.

She shrugged gently and laughed, not really wanting to stop. It was for more enjoyable than she liked to let on, because if Q knew she actually enjoyed it, he'd probably some and annoy her more often. "I know I do, but it's just so much fun."

"So, it doesn't say who he's sending to join us?" Veronica clearly decided to bring it back to why they were here, and who was coming to join them. Erika wasn't going to share her secret 'bully from school' theory before they knew anything. She was a better Captain than that. It was better to keep her cards close to her chest when she didn't have all the facts.

"Not a thing." She skimmed over the letter again, and there weren't even clues. That almost certainly didn't bode well for either of them, either. Q liked trying to make them figure things out. If he hadn't included any games, like 'who's coming to play' then it probably wasn't something they'd be able to guess.

"Well, that's convenient." It seemed like Veronica was already fed up of that guessing game, before it had even started, and decided instead to turn her attention to the rest of the house and everything else that went into being in a new place. "I'm gonna go look at bedrooms."

"I'm the Captain, I call dibs on the master." She called, and the immediate fit of petulant rage from Veronica made it completely worthwhile.

"Goddammit Hernandez!" She shouted a second later, and Erika actually took hold of the back of the sofa to stop herself from falling over. It was too amusing for her to stay standing right now without support.

"That's Captain Hernandez to you." She managed to gasp out, still looking at Veronica, who was pouting the way a five year old would. It meant that maybe she should go and look for some food. Since Veronica had already scoped out the kitchen, clearly, if she knew there was only furniture here, they would need to go to a store. "You go look at bedrooms, I'm going to look for some provisions."

"We don't have any money." Veronica muttered, but Erika had already checked that. She'd been wondering what these rectangles on the table had been for, according to Q's letter they were a little like Starfleet's credit chips. That would make things easier.

Erika just shook her head and held up one of the ridiculous plastic cards from the desk, the one with her name on it. "Yes we do, Q even opened bank accounts in our names. There is some nice info here about it." She once again pointed to Q's letter, knowing full well that Veronica wasn't going to read it fully. So instead she said the first semi-related comment to cross her mind. "Did you know the Vulcans still talk about 'currency'."

"Yeah well, the Vulcans are weird. Get me some pop?" Erika had been present at the meeting, only a month earlier, where their CMO had mentioned she was concerned about the amount of soda and soft drinks that were being drank by the senior staff. They'd all been banned as a result. So now it seemed that Veronica was using this as an excuse to get around that ban.

"Johanna will ban you from soda again the minute we get back to the ship." She pointed out, but clearly Veronica didn't care all that much. Or at least, she was willing to make Erika believe that she didn't care.

"I don't care she's not here." That was probably a bad thing to say. If Q was monitoring them and heard Veronica being glib about someone who wasn't with them, it was an almost invitation for him to bring them along to the party. It was best they keep shut about who they didn't want to accompany them.

"Don't say that too loudly or Q'll bring her here too." It was best to remind Veronica that Q could, and likely would, do that if he thought they were having too much fun.

"And spoil my fun? I wasn't the one antagonising him." That was a flimsy, and incorrect, defence.

Erika just blinked a couple of times then laughed loudly again, remembering Veronica's comments about his recently accidentally altered nose. "You called him a chipmunk and said that his nose looks like it exploded from the inside out." If that wasn't antagonising, she didn't know what was.

"Well. It did. Besides. You're the Captain. You should be above that."

"He'd probably annoy me less if I was above it." She probably wouldn't be as fun for him to visit if she was above antagonising him too. It was getting very dark though, so she really needed to go. "Now I'm going getting provisions, there's gotta be a store around here somewhere."

"If you don't survive I'll tell Jonathan hello when I get home." Veronica's reminder that she hadn't spoken to Jonathan in a few days was not exactly needed right then, but she'd just make sure to punish her later for it.

"Screw you Fletcher." She shouted as she stepped out the door. It didn't take long for her to find someone, she could actually still see the yard of the house she and Veronica had been transported into. Figuring that a local would know more about where the local conveniences were than anyone else it seemed best to approach him and just ask. "Excuse me, you couldn't point me in the direction of a convenience store, could you?"

"Not from around here, are you miss?" He commented, and Erika wondered if she really still looked like a 'miss' or if it was just some local pleasantry she didn't really know about.

"No, no I'm not." She just admitted that without volunteering where she was from, thinking that that would make things a lot harder for her if Q's fake documents said something different.

"Just around the corner, about 500 yards." He pointed a ways down the road to a corner, then he was clearly indicating the distance down that road. That was going to make things difficult, she had no idea how far that was.

"Thank you." _How in the hell long is 500 yards_. She started walking in the direction he'd indicated and only turned around when she heard the scream, fast enough to see someone jump into a car that then went speeding off down the road. She took in as much detail as she could, knowing that that would be able to help whatever law-enforcement she'd end up speaking to. Her training wouldn't allow her to leave someone clearly injured around her, so instead of worrying about what had happened she ran back to where the man who'd helped her so graciously before was now laid in a puddle of blood and tried to put pressure on his wounds. "Help, excuse me, help!" That was all she could do for now. Shout for help and hope someone answered.


End file.
